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Just Musings
January 29 A Dream
I dream. Yes I do. But then you might think what is so special about it? Most all do dream. Yes, don’t they? So what is so special about my dream? I dream. Yes I do. But then I remember them quite clear when I wake up and I write them down. It comes as a story with no beginning or ending. And before I forget it I write it down adding to it the missing parts. It may be early in the morning or sometime middle of the night. Weird isn’t it? This is just an example. Please do read it and don’t look for any meanings to it. It was just a dream.
They meet again Siva was walking by the shelves of the super market looking at the wares displayed. He had come in, on the way home from his office, to buy provisions for the month. He took the list out of his pocket and glanced through it, wondering where to start. As he walked along looking at the products displayed, he came beside a woman who was engrossed in her own shopping. Siva looked at the woman casually. And he saw her. For a moment he could not believe his own eyes. After all these years seeing her again was quite unexpected. “Uma” he called out to her. She turned and saw him and her eyes widened in recognition. “Hi Siva” she said smiling at him. She looked happy to see him, but at same time apprehensive?. “ Hi, it is so nice to see you again after all these years. Where were you and what had happened to you?” Siva rushed out the words. Uma did not answer for a while but just looked at him. “Oh. It is a long story and will take sometime to tell” she said with a sigh. “Tell me. I have lot of time. Come join me for a coffee. There is a nice café in this place.” Siva said. He started to lead her out. “What about your shopping? I see you have a list in you hand.” Uma asked. “Oh. Nothing very urgent. Only monthly provisions that can wait. But what about you?” “I just came in to while away some time before going home.” She said. They walked out of the shop to the next wing where the café was. Entering the cafeteria, they sat down at an empty table for two. Both did not speak anything but just kept looking at each other lost in their own thoughts. They were brought back to the present by the waiter asking what they would like to order. “Would you like to eat something?” Siva asked her. “No, just coffee will do” Uma answered. “Two coffee please” Siva told the waiter. Siva looked at Uma for a while “Ok. Now tell me your story” “I don’t know where to start Siva” “Why not from the time I saw you last” Uma looked down at the table silently drawing on the tablecloth with her nail. Then she slowly looked up at Siva and gave a deep sigh. He knew she was finding it difficult to speak but kept his silence. “You know when I met Ram and started going steady with him” Uma looked as if wanting some response from Siva but he kept silent steadily looking at her. “I wanted so much someone in my life to be with. Maybe I was getting desperate as the years rolled away. Ram was a divorcee with a fifteen year old son who was with his ex-wife in Germany. We were of the same cast, so I thought my parents wouldn’t disapprove. Siva, you know how much I wanted their acceptance of the person I want to marry again. I thought my son would also accept him in the long run.” Uma took a sip from her cup of coffee and silent. Siva did not say anything as he wanted her to tell him in her own way. “In the beginning everything was fine. As we were getting serious in our decision and was planning on fixing a date everything started going wrong.” Uma couldn’t continue as she choked in her own feelings. Siva called the waiter over and asked for the bill. Leaving enough cash on the table with a tip, Siva got up and said. “Come Uma. Let us go for a drive if it is ok with you.” Uma got up and they went out together to his car and got in. Siva looked at her before starting the car buy she was silent and only looked out silently. Driving out to the main road he drove to the Marine Drive just couple of streets away. Finding an empty place at the sea face wall, Siva parked the car. They sat in the car in silence looking out at the waves crashing on the rocks below. They remained this way for a while and then Uma started talking again. “Suddenly my mum started finding all kinds of faults with Ram. She started saying what other family members will talk and what would happen to my father’s prestige and so on. I really thought my father would support me, but strangely he seems to agree, with my mother’s opinion, in silence. I don’t know whether they spoke to my son or not, but he too started criticising Ram and even told me that I must stop seeing or speaking to Ram in future.” Uma stopped again. “Uma, you should have expected that from your son anyway. He was always very possessive about you. How could you ever believe that he would have given his approval?” “Well I knew he wouldn’t approve but I thought he would have eventually come around. Anyway my mum threatened to cut me off from the family money and from their life. She even turned my brother against me, ordering him not to speak to me under the threat of losing any inheritance. I was very hurt by my brother’s attitude. I thought at least he will stand by me” Uma wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. “So how come you are here?” Siva asked. Uma “Well… I defied my family and came with Ram here” she kept silent after this. Siva did not say anything, allowing her to speak at her own pace. He knew this was causing her lot of anguish. Uma was always a proud person, valuing her privacy very much. She never liked talking about herself.
“He couldn’t keep his job. He was always getting into some trouble or other where ever he worked.” She sat in the car looking out of the window at the waves crashing on the rocks. Her emotions, obviously, must be in turmoil like those waves. “My job kept us going” she continued, “Then he started drinking heavily” Uma stopped and was looking at her hands twisting her handkerchief into knots. “First he was going to some bar to drink. Later on he started at home. After he ran through whatever money he had, he started demanding from me. If I didn't give him there would be a big fight” her voice started chocking again with emotions. She lapsed into silence again. After sometime she raised her head and looked at Siva. Her eyes were brimming with tears. He touched her shoulder gently without saying anything. Uma nodded her head and gave a wan smile, acknowledging his understanding in silence. “Ram started disappearing from the house frequently for days. In the beginning I used to worry and enquire at his friend’s houses and his usual hangouts. Eventually I started ignoring them” Uma continued, “One day he went out as usual and never came back. At the beginning I used to wait for him to return, but then I thought maybe it is for the better. That was nearly a year ago”. Uma did not say anything after that. Maybe she thought there was nothing more to say. Siva took her hand in his and said “Don’t worry, maybe it is for the better. I am happy that I met you again. I thought I will never see you again. Uma. I would like to be your friend again and start again from where we left off” Uma just sat there looking out. Siva kept quite allowing her to regain her composure. “I don’t know Siva. I don’t know” she said still gazing out “I am still emotionally very fragile now. I just don’t know” “It is ok Uma, take all the time you need” Siva said, “I am not going anywhere. I can wait” She just sat there looking into his eyes. “In the meantime how about joining me for dinner?” Siva asked with a smile. For a moment she looked startled by this unexpected question. He could see her the familiar sparkle in her eyes again. “Why not?” Uma was laughing. ‘Oh my, that laugh again. She looks so beautiful when she laughs like that’ thought Siva. “Que sera, sera” Siva said quietly to himself, and he started the car.
The End]
January 06 Romantics beware!
Read this in a daily news paper. Is this a beginning to an end?
News report in The New Indian Express, the national daily in India.
Date- 6 January 2007
Online heartbreak suicide
Beijing: a 17 year old Chinese boy hanged himself after a catastrophic meeting with online sweetheart, Xinhua news agency said on Friday. The teenager became addicted QQ, the most popular online chat room in China. He fell for a girl called ‘Quijiaofeiyang’ (flying skirt) on the net, who described herself as a beautiful 19 year old. After weeks spent chatting with her on-line, he arranged a date in Mudanjiang. “To his intense disappointment, his dream girl turned out to be a plain lady who was more than 10 years older than him” Xinhua said. “His hopes crushed, he went out to a nearby hill and hung himself”
Comments please December 08 The SearchThe Search
Never stop searching. Never stop hoping. You must have known the path most have traveled all one’s life. You also would have heard of what others had gone through. Well… I am still there with a smile, with a joke, and a laugh (even at my own expense). Why? Because I never stopped my search. I never stopped hoping for that elusive happiness. For the person whom I cared for.
My travels are through the many colored paths of the rainbow. Have you forgotten the proverbial pot of gold at the end?
Honest and free relationship You can have that only with a person you love and respect as you do yourself. You must see yourself in her/him. Not more - don't worship. Not less - don't compare. And can you maintain it? And for how long? That is the question.
The journey can be very long or short. Can be very eventful and exciting. Or it can tear you apart. But then the quest is the most exciting about it and not the prize. After the entire adventurous journey you had, the end may not last up to it. It is like writing a long novel - the process of writing can be more satisfying than the truth that you have come to the finish. There it ends. Till you start on another new story.
I wonder if I am making any sense. What you are looking for is there. Maybe right in front of you. Because Most people believe that search means 'looking far way'.
November 13 That never wasNovember 13 That never was Leave your home behind, the world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadows to the edge of the night Until the stars are all bright They say - leave the world behind and home ahead I search and search for that home The home that never was.
Where, where are you my dear To heal my pain and drown my woes Rain may fall and wind may blow And many miles still to go But under a tall tree I will lie And let the clouds go sailing by.
Oh wanderer despair not in the shadowed land Though dark they seem all this must end at last The sun will shine again to begin another day
November 18 Restless dream
Like the restless dream and the stifled desire That floats on the tainted river Carrying your hopes like dead leaves Forever and forever it flows
This does not end at the sea As your wants are still like a pond Nary a ripple to break the face Of the life’s eternal pattern
Looking for a voice that echoes In the loudness of the silence In a dark and cold cavern That reflects your life that’s gone by
Be gone, be gone you cry Of the past that crowds around you And you look for the flickering of a light That may be the hope of your future
October 20 RevelationREVELATIONNow resting deep within the depth of my heart, I feel a revelation Here are many resolves more drives Yet this full flow world of my deeds From the beginning to the end From now to eternity. The song fills the void if there are any Into every nook of my unlimited worlds. The seed in the soil is alive with my love and care, On the myriad leaves of the tree in the rhythm of life Lifting the seedling from the cool wet Earth I get a vision of Life I comprehend no beginning and no end of anything. I perceive in the playfulness of the leaf in the breeze, An everlasting element, changing itself Changing the world, giving birth to life’s music And I become one With the showering cloud, the towering tree, The singing stream and the throbbing seedling. I dissolve myself in every form In it's beauty and serenity
September 29 MemoriesMEMORIES As I sit here and ponder over the past I’m taken to a place where my memories last
I think of all the things that could have been And I find myself wishing for a new beginning
I think of the laughter and the joy we shared I think of everything that was done and said
I think of the fights and the arguments we had I think of the compromises that always came by
I think of the pain and anguish we dealt together I think of the lessons we taught each other
I think of the dreams and plans we made I think of how each one failed
As I sit here and ponder over the past I’m taken to a place where my memories last September 15 The RegretThe Regret (and the need…) You looked into my eyes and asked me to stay, Now, I wish I had.
I looked into your eyes and promised I'd come back, Now, I wonder if I ever will.
She looked into my eyes and called for me, Now, I weep for myself.
I took her her face in my hands and tried to explain, But the words came out hollow.
Coldness creeps over me, into me, becomes me, I've become the pretender, as I try to forget.
I am the weak, frozen in the abyss of puerile form Pray, thaw me out, make me full again.
Give to me a carefree soul, Take from me this frost, this apathy.
Let me burn with a childlike innocence, Let me melt into eternity.
September 04 Raaga of LoveThe Raaga of love
In the veena of my imagination, Awake as a raga Join me as the nectar of raga sound Awake, awake as a raga, share with me the song of love My heart is full of musical notes, melodies, and rhythm Give me the sweetness from your lovely lips Awake, awake as a raga, share with me the song of love A melody is blossoming in my mind My heart is writing a ballad A melody is blossoming in my heart A feeling of joy is embracing me
(PS: Raaga is a melody formed of musical notes in a systematic and mathematical composition in the classical style of Carnatic & Hindustani music, and the Veena is an Indian stringed instrument.)
August 27 SpaceSPACE We are always looking for space and exploring space. The vast emptiness we are in awe with. We write poems on it. Sing ballads on it. Then we fill it with space junk.
We paint our walls expensively in selected colours and we hammer nails all over to hang pictures, ending up looking like a picture gallery in bad taste.
We plan a geometrical pattern for our garden and then plant everything that grows ending up in a mess.
We draw plans of a home with space and keep adding rooms to fill up all those space till the house resembles a beehive.
An artist takes a wide white canvas and takes a second look at his array of paints and ends up with a riot of rainbows gone crazy.
I compose a simple neat tune, listen to it and then look at my collection of tones & rhythm loops and end up with a cacophony of sounds.
We promise elbow room for each other at the beginning of a beautiful friendship and starts nibbling away and end up tearing at each ones throat.
Now MSN has created more space in our blog spaces – waiting to be filled what we call inspirations
Space – we dream of – crave for – plan for – promise of – and end up filling it up with junk, our ego, our burdens, we defile it.
The beautiful SPACE we started with. |
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